Live from the Penis Gallery: August 2010

Holy Cannoli! Can it really be four years since the first sausage fest?! Yes indeedy! It's hard to believe but it is true. As always, to see the sausage hall of fame click me!!!! click here!
In any event, there's no time for misty memories of sausages past, lets look to the sausages of present- even if some of them are no longer in their snitzle prime. Salut!

Paul Rudd, aww, what to say about Paul Rudd? I mean, in many ways I can't believe it's taken me so long to include him in the sausage ranks. The first time I saw Paul Rudd was in 1995 as Josh in Clueless- although I probably saw him before that in his now infamous 1991 super Nintendo ad- but the first time I was conscious of Mr. Sexy Funny Pants was in Clueless, one of the great movies of my youth- no joke- as Josh, the Nietzsche reading asshole with a heart of gold. He's been knocking them out of the park ever since. Whether it's in Anchorman, Wet Hot American Summer, or embarrassing youtube clips of him performing at Bat Mitzvah's in the early 90's. WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE? Paul Rudd, you can snark me anytime.

Keanu, Keanu, Keanu. Do I even need to explain this one? Keanu was THE heartthrob of my teenage years. In the 90's there were only three actors that the teenage girls liked: Keanu, Leonardo and Johnny. I loved all three. I mean, Keanu was essential viewing. His movies pre Matrix were pure gold. He was breathtakingly beautiful, moody, cotton mouthed, wanted desperately to be taken seriously, rode a motorcycle, never shaved and despite his best efforts to dissociate himself from it, epitomized the valley speak of the duh generation better than anyone else. Oh Keanu, my heart beats strong and true.

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"

Daniel once summed up Roky Erickson perfectly: "He was really hot but then something happened and he went crazy and started eating his toenails in the basement." This is true. I would never get my sexy parts within five feet of Roky's sexy parts these days, but back then, he was gorgeous. He also happens to be one of the most brilliant crazies ever.

The first time I realized that Robert DiNero had been hot as a youth was watching Godfather part two in junior high. Although at the time I wasn't sure how to process this information. Until this viewing he had been an old actor my mom liked, like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. An old guy in movies named Robert DeNiro that old people liked. I figured he was from the 70's but had never stopped to consider why he was famous. At the time the only actors I had an interest in that weren't staring as Jordan Catalano on TV were Marlon Brando, Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor. Marlon Brando being how I had made my way to The Godfather in the first place. Watching DiNero leap across the rooftops of Little Italy in Godfather part two was an awakening for me as a movie watching individual. After that it was officially off to the races. Within that year I discovered Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway, John Cazale, Al Pacino, Merle Streep, Ellen Burnstyn and I was obsessed. Junior high was the first year I really became invested in watching movies and occasionally would refer to them as 'films' in front of adults to sound smart. I have since seen every DiNero film that I am aware of for which he has been praised, and even a few he hasn't been praised in, Meet The Fockers, et cetera, and he is still one of my favorites.

Ryan Gosling is fucking hot. Watch this, watch the Notebook. That is all. Actually, that is not all. Recently Nick, seemingly perplexed as to what it is exactly about Ryan Gosling that women find so attractive, came to me convinced that he had the answer: Women like Ryan Gosling because his last name sounds like 'goosling' like a baby goose and that this reminds girls of tiny geese. I told him that that was the stupidest theory I'd ever heard and that women like Ryan Gosling because he looks like he can fix your sink, would open a door for you, take his mother to the Oscar's- he did, plus his sister- defend your intelligence and your honor at the same time to an asshole and throw you on the bed in an old fashioned sort of way. We don't talk about Ryan Gosling anymore.

Okay, seriously? When he grabs her hair when he's kissing her and then she pulls away and he's chewing gum. MY LOINS! MY LOINS! Charlotte and I used to watch this clip a lot.

Hunter S. Thompson's life was strange, intense, sad and magical. I'm basing this solely on his books and the footage I've seen of him and also the facts of his life that came to light after his death, depression, mental illness et cetera. Although it isn't that hard to believe, a man that builds a persona around dropping acid and being an alcoholic isn't exactly someone filled with rainbows and sunshine. His inner life was complex and dark and in this early clip at the brink of his widespread fame- before he became a caricature of himself, you can see his physical discomfort and awkwardness and his seeming inability to understand why something in his mind that is very serious- the beating of a woman and an animal- is being turned into a comical joke on national TV. Now of course, in hindsight, this audience if they were all around today would probably agree that neither of these things are funny, but you can see Hunter S. seething with disbelief, as if he has been transported to a world where nothing makes sense anymore. He had deep seated feelings of injustice about the country he lived in and the hypocrisy that he was surrounded by. You can tell that in many ways he suffered from the writers curse, an over sentimental quality that leads one to feel everything too much, until one day you just want to turn it off. He turned it off with drugs and hijinks until sadly he turned it off for good. What a brilliant man, though.

Johnny Depp: See Keanu Reeves- Also, Ed Wood, Edward Scissorhands, 21 Jump Street, Dead Man, Nightmare On Elm Street, Cry Baby, Benny and Joon, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Okay, I'm not going to call Billy Prince a sausage just yet, but I will call him a future sausage. Seeing that he is 17 and I am 30 and he has a long way to go. But he's well on his way! That's the point. I dare anyone to watch this documentary and not fall in love with Billy Prince.